Let's help Senator Conroy get Aussies off the Internet!

Dear Senator Conroy,

As the subject of internet safety is as hot a topic in the Netherlands, my home country, as it is in yours, I have closely followed the progress of your fabulous efforts to protect Australia's children from the exigencies of the modern World Wide Web. While I applaud how close you're coming to restricting the internet activities of your country's citizens, I have some serious concerns about the possible flaws in your plan. First and foremost: despite your laudable efforts, I have personally observed that there are still a few Australians on the internet, and I'd like to highlight some of the ways in which the exclusion of Australia from the datasphere could be more effectively achieved.

As you were born in England, Senator Conroy, I sincerely hope you see yourself as the 21st-century champion of your nation's colonial policy of 'convictism' in which the quality of the English population was markedly improved by dumping all the undesirables on the then-newfangled continent of Australia. The inconvenience this caused the Aboriginal People is a lamentable tragedy, and I'm pleased to see you're using more modern means to achieve the same goal without causing undue stress for others.

However, I cannot voice my full support for your plan as it seems a bit on the wishy-washy side. As it's currently proposed, with the technology that's currently been prepared for the live field trial later this year, this plan of yours will do nothing to 'protect Australia's children', i.e. 'protect the world from cyber-savvy Australians'.

Before I go into details, though, let me first say I have absolutely no objection to your use of this program to also provide a service to the citizens you represent! Coming from such disadvantaged stock — criminals, musicians, civil engineers, sluts (I'm looking at you, Mary Wade) and some Irish — they're understandably threatened by complex subjects such as sex, euthanasia and drugs. The Australians are as horrified by the Netherlands' excesses in these matters as we are by the fact that Australians pronounce every sentence as if it's a question...?

There's no harm in solving both problems at once, I can't help but wonder if perhaps you've 'gone native' since you moved to Australia and have lost sight of the bigger picture. You've shown such strength, ignoring the protests of internet rights groups, protest marches, the recommendations of the ISPs who must ultimately implement your plan and the majority of your own senate, but I find myself disappointed that you fail to go that last mile that would truly achieve internet security from Australia.

When you claim that the internet filter has, in tests, proven to be "100% accurate" you're being blatantly deceptive. Of the internet filter technologies you tested last year, those that were able to effectively filter as much as four out of five harmful sites (requiring Australian internetters to click up to a dozen times to circumvent the filter and access the porn), the filters also blocked at maximum 60 000 out of every million other webpages. That means there's still 940 000 sites where Australians can continue to use words like arvo and fair dinkum and strewth. This does almost nothing to protect us!

You've booked more impressive results with the impact of the filters on internet speeds. One of the more promising technologies you tested out was able to slow the users' internet speed by 20% even when it wasn't filtering, with some others providing up to 86% slowdown during actual use! This is a measurable success, Senator Conroy, as this should effectively prevent Australians from uploading YouTube videos about surfing.

But does it stop them from social sites like FaceBook or LiveJournal, where the majority of the content is text-based? Even 24% of modern internet speeds would still enable your country's citizens to bother the rest of the world with opinions, information and meaningful dialogue.

Happily, though, I see that you do have a solution for this. The Australian Communications and Media Authority will, in your plan, maintain a blacklist of sites deemed 'objectionable' and the looseness of the terminology you've consistently used in defining your plans fills me with confidence that this is where you'll compensate for the technical shortcomings I highlighted earlier. Having given no indication of how a 'public complaint' against a particular site will be reviewed, nor established any means by which the blacklisting of a site could be appealed, you've cleverly guaranteed the AMCA the ability to chip away at the information space with which Australia can interact, severing that digital umbilical one strand at a time.

My last concern, though, is about the length of time that it will take to completely isolate your country from the internet the rest of us use. Let me assure you, Senator Conroy, that I will do my part to expedite the process! As the writer of fiction for adults, I'll be sure to advertise on as many sites as I'm permitted to so that you can blacklist each of those for containing 'objectionable material'.

Further, I'll encourage everyone I know to engage in discussions about sexual health, drug dependency, unwanted pregnancy and the suffering of the terminally ill so that you have ample fuel to ensure that any site frequented by wholesome, upstanding citizens of the rest of the world can be protected from the involvement of Australians.

Your detractors have bandied the tag #nocleanfeed on Twitter, and created slanderous websites such as www.nocleanfeed.com to feebly protest the march of progress you're staunchly championing. To them I say:

#GetAussiesOffTheNet

With passionate, abiding affection,

Alex Fucking Vance

PS: I included the F-word in my name at the bottom of this letter; could you please ensure that my site is added to the blacklist at your earliest convenience?